Healing Infidelity: Part 2

Although it can be devastating to discover your partner has been unfaithful, many marriages survive an affair. The relationships that last are the ones in which both partners are committed to saving the marriage.

Recovering from an Affair  
The unfaithful partner has several things he or she needs to do to heal the hurt:  
• Stop any contact with the other party.
• Be honest with your partner that the affair happened, but do not share details that will cause your partner further pain.
• Take responsibility for your actions.
• Ask for forgiveness.
• Reassure your partner that although you made a mistake, you are committed to the marriage and to being faithful.
• Let your partner know how much they are loved. Spend time together.
• Enlist the help of a therapist to guide you through the healing process.
• Give your partner plenty of opportunities to state his or her feelings. Let your spouse know you care about what they have to say. Validate their feelings.   
• Know that your partner will want to ask questions and try to understand why the affair occurred.   
• Allow plenty of time for your partner to heal. Be respectful of your spouse’s need to work through their hurt.  

If your partner had the affair, the following steps can help you move forward:
• Avoid making major decisions while you are grieving.
• Allow yourself time to heal.
• Express your anger in a healthy way.
• Write in a journal. It can help you identify, clarify and express your feelings.
• Seek the help of a therapist.
• Look at the pros and cons to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship.
• When you feel ready, spend some time with your spouse doing something enjoyable. This can help rebuild the relationship and increase the positive feelings you have about your mate. During this time do not discuss issues related to the affair.
• Know the difference between taking responsibility and blaming. Avoid berating yourself and using negative self-talk.       
• Be careful about criticizing your partner to your family. You may decide to forgive your spouse, but family members might not.       
• Remember that forgiveness is a process that can take time. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. It does not mean that you condone the behavior. When you forgive, you benefit at least as much as the person you are forgiving.
• Know that the offending spouse is likely suffering with feelings of regret, guilt and self-blame.    

Recovering from an affair is painful for both parties. However, if each is willing to recommit to their values and to each other, a new level of intimacy can be achieved.