Are You a Perfectionist?

Dear Dr. Donaldson,

I am a sophomore in college. I usually get good grades, but when I have a project or a paper due, I want it to be perfect. Last semester I got a B on a major project. I was devastated. I just wanted it to be perfect, so I redid it, but then I couldn’t get an A because it was late. When I was in high school I failed a sewing project because I kept redoing my dress because it wasn’t perfect. Everyone else turned their project in on time, but I barely got mine in by the end of the semester. I am my own worst enemy. I want this semester to go better.   

Dear Reader,
Your perfectionist tendencies seem to be getting in your way. Let me ask you some questions.
 
Do you get upset with yourself if you make a mistake?
Do you search for weaknesses in yourself and in others?
Do you tend to be upset by deviations from the norm or from the rules?
Are you motivated by self-doubt, fear of disapproval or fear of rejection?
Do you feel driven?
Do you sometimes become paralyzed with fear and cannot perform or produce?
Do you feel like a failure if you are not perfect?

If you find yourself answering yes to these questions, you are likely a perfectionist. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. People who pursue excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in working to meet high standards and they enjoy the process. The high achiever has drive. The perfectionist is driven. It is important that you understand the difference.

Let’s look at the characteristics of perfectionists.

The perfectionist has a fear of failure and rejection. Do you feel you will be rejected or fail if you are not always perfect? Do you ever become paralyzed with fear and unable to produce or perform at all?

Many perfectionists actually have a fear of success. Do you feel when you are successful that you have to keep it up? This becomes a heavy burden. Nobody can operate at this level all the time for very long.

Many perfectionists experience problems in their relationships. Do you have a need for love and approval that blinds you to the needs and wishes of others? This can make it difficult, if not impossible to have healthy relationships.
 
Do you have black and white thinking? Perfectionists see most experiences as good or bad, perfect or imperfect. For them, there is nothing in between. Do you believe your performance or project must be flawless every time? Do you tell yourself that if you cannot do it perfectly, why do it at all? If so, this kind of thinking can keep you from trying new things. 

Are you only focused on the results? While both high achievers and perfectionists exhibit determinism in overcoming obstacles while aiming high, the high achiever is able to enjoy the process, while the perfectionist focuses only on the results. If you are relentlessly striving to be perfect, you will likely be operating with anxiety, which can sabotage your efforts.

If after reading this article, you feel you are a perfectionist, know there are more costs to this behavior than benefits. Let’s look at the costs.

Low self-esteem. This is not only a cause of perfectionism, but it is also a result. A perfectionist never feels good enough and often feels like a failure.
Gloominess. A negative attitude can develop because it is easy to believe that the success cannot be repeated.
Compulsive behaviors. Perfectionists may try to alleviate their fear of failure with high-risk behaviors, such as overeating, drinking too much, abusing drugs, shopping excessively or gambling.
Obsessive behaviors. Requiring certain structure can cause perfectionists to be overly focused on details and rules, not only for themselves, but for others. This doesn’t only impact their own well being, but this can be hard on relationships.    
Eating Disorders. Studies indicate that perfectionism is a central issue for those who suffer with eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia.    
Depression. This can result when the perfectionist is unable to live up to his or her own high standards.
Rigidity. A lack of spontaneity and inflexibility is often seen in perfectionists.
Lack of motivation. A perfectionist may never try new behaviors or learn new skills because they fear they cannot do it well enough. Other times, they may attempt something new, only to give up easily because of fears of imperfection.
Guilt. Perfectionists often feel shame or guilt because they cannot do everything perfectly.
Paralysis. An intense fear of failure can prevent someone from taking action.

While both want to do their best and reach their goals, high achievers accept their mistakes and are willing to risk failure, knowing it is part of the achievement process. You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. People who demonstrate repeated accomplishments and stay emotionally healthy tend to exhibit the following behaviors: 

Although they set high standards for themselves, they make them achievable.
They enjoy the process, not just the outcome.
They recover quickly from disappointment.
They react positively to constructive feedback.
They see their mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow.
They are not afraid of failure for they know they can always try again.  

If after reading this, you decide you are a perfectionist, write down examples of your perfectionist behaviors. In the next issues, I will talk about how you can let go of your perfectionism, live a satisfying life and still be a high achiever.          

P.S. Thank you to readers who asked about my father. He is home and doing great.